I’m just going to post the status, additional comment I made to that, & analysis.etc. after that:
Originally posted today, Sunday, 7/20/13:
Status: “Welp, saw Pacific Rim again with Moms yesterday & it’s still as good as I remember it…too bad Mom had to go all psycho ***** on me -_-
…Really? I just spent $17.50 for you for a movie I was going to see the next weekend with someone else way more pleasant, did you really have to make yesterday the day where that phrase “this is why we can’t have nice things ~.~” needed to be uttered? To elucidate & cut a long story short (kinda…>.>): despite having a fairly good evening, Mom tries to tell me how I feel (“you have an attitude” *I disagree* “See? Look at your response, you have an attitude & are being defensive”, guaranteed insanity psychological torment loop some/most/??? Mothers love to play) when I express mild irritation at her…being irritating when trying to pay the bill, me using a Debit card & her with cash while at dinner (seems petty, until you factor in the craziness & that—); “Well, that escalated quickly” meme is fully invoked & Mom’s essentially flipping her crap because I express my disagreement that I have an attitude (‘cause I don’t/didn’t…until you pushed my buttons until I did) & the ‘mother martyr complex’ is also now in full effect; apparently a time warp/dimensional rift happened at some point because, despite all the good that happened that day & agreeing with her MULTIPLE TIMES ABOUT MY CHARACTER FLAWS, she laments how I “never listen to anyone; I can’t take someone telling me anything bad about myself; you’re disrespectful; you’re unappreciative”…
…okay, let me break this one down because it’s mind-boggling, sanity shatteringly frustrating; 1) that entire evening alone I’ve agreed with her saying I have negative traits from my father, some cons on how I drive, basically calling me emotional (which she herself diagnosed me with & I have been in agreement with for years [she admitting to having this issue herself growing up]), telling me to lower my voice (super irritating when you’re trying to say something & she keeps cutting me off with this, but okay, whatever, I‘ll just roll with it), & multiple other THINGS ABOUT MYSELF THAT ARE BAD/NEGATIVE TRAITS (yes, I am yelling with this) that I agree with; 2) One of the main complaints my parents had about me when I was younger was that I respected other people better than them…to which I usually replied that I don’t live with ‘other people’ & could therefore easily avoid them if they were being super irritating…unlike at home. Back to this issue, this is why this statement (“you don’t listen to anyone…” etc.) is particularly frustrating because I’ve just spent the evening AGREEING with you telling me about NEGATIVE CHARACTER TRAITS & THE LIKE &, in order to do that, respect needs to be in play and I thank both her & Dad whenever they do something for me multiple times & do my best to take care of whatever it is—oh yeah, that’s right, because of something I did years ago (some cases, decades+) for basically understandable (but not necessarily mature…b/c I was a f’ing child) reasons, I can NEVER BE FORGIVEN. EVER. Yet apparently this hasn’t happened on this timeline & absolute statements (“you never listen”, “you’re always disrespectful”, “we can never tell you anything bad about yourself”, etc. … &, yes, she has complained about Dad & I using absolute statements like this) are in full effect. Back to the prior list:
Like usual, I tried defending myself from her outright… madness (“you’re being defensive”); tried not saying anything at all (crazy **** can go on all by herself. I remember days when I was younger she would follow me around the house as I tried to avoid her crazy ****-fit & she would go on for hours); of course, in this dimension, I’ve never agreed with her on anything, so trying to do that’s mute as well; ties the whole crazy fit up with “this is why we can’t have nice things” type spiel & ‘I’m never ever for always & eien am going to hang out with you again’ & ‘I don’t care if you move out b/c with your crappy attitude it would be good luck & good riddance’ (or something to that effect).
That was yesterday in a nutshell (& she went crazy ***** again today, but another time). The surreal thing was that I do in fact officially have what I like to call “rage quit” amount of money saved up right now; “rage quit” being if they (the parents) really pissed me off, I have enough money to check out a few places I’ve been looking at on Monday & move out by Tuesday. Problem is that my present awesome job is a contract position & I’m not moving out until I have more stable employment. This is because I don’t want to move out & then find out I have no employment a couple months later & wind up having to move back in; granted, my pride wouldn’t let me do that not to mention I may still be employed/find employment immediately after the contract ends X/
I’m stating all this here b/c I need somewhere to vent & how these events usually play out like this: my Mom goes crazy ***** on me, goes to Dad about this (despite just having a major blowout with him as well, but I guess it’s okay to team up against your defenseless child reacting to how any sane person would to this) & they team up against me, I’m left having to deal with it on my own b/c I’m an only child & I have one of those ‘keep it in the family’ types which usually leaves me having to cope on my own, which is partly why I’m such a hard b*tch now (besides high school, &, no, not trying to pull sympathy but give context). Since my Dad’s gone she can’t play the same crap, but that doesn’t mean she will talk to her sister about it, & even if she doesn’t she’ll being an annoying prick about it for the rest of the week & weekend. I mean, I know I’m not the only one with annoying parents (one of the reasons why I firmly believe having both parents is way too hyped), but sometimes I feel like the only sane one in the house, not to mention both my parents love to invoke the trope “misery loves company”. Seriously, who else has mothers that love to play the downwards spiral of “you’re angry/you’re being defensive-‘no, I’m not’-rinse & repeat” until you’re basically frothing at the mouth & they’re sitting they’re like a smug snake whilst saying “told you you had an attitude”???
This rant’s gone on long enough, sorry for taking up your time, but mark my words; assuming employment’s in a more permanent stable position, come October I’m freakin’ outty & living on my own (maybe even sooner depending; quite frankly, the minute I find out I have a more stable job situation, I’m gone), perpetual bills & debt be damned. On a plus side, Generation of Chaos: Pandora’s Reflection for the PSP is a fairly decent game >.>”
My additional comment: “The more annoying thing is that I always felt that Moms & I are & forever shall be basically at this standstill of “you’re this-no, you’re this” with me finally maturing to the point of “we’re both this, & neither party is really listening to the other” with Mom insisting that I’m the ‘ignorant one’ & her martyr spiel. This is just plain madness.
More backstory: I suggested us going to therapy before, but that’s pretty much taboo in Black culture overall but of course this isn’t going to be the same for everyone blah blah blah & her insisting I was just saying that to justify my…bad intentions(?) I forgot her exact logic, but essentially I was using therapy to get attention…& not, you know, figure out a way for us to understand each other better as a family.
It’s frustrating when you know there’s one really good way to at least work on finding a solution to the problem (family therapy in this case), but the other party’s non-compliant & too wrapped up in blaming you for issues vs. sharing in the responsibility (’cause I know I’m no saint, but it’s not helping when the other party plays martyr all the time) leaving you high & dry with the realization you’re probably never going to get along; hence, move on, bury the past, & watch as our relationship slowly wains to nothingness…”
Now to make it clear, I in no way think that I’m immaculate or completely innocent in my interactions with her, my parents, or anyone else for that matter, but for f**k’s sake, a person can only take so much before you just ask “seriously, wtf is wrong with you, with us, with everything???“. It’s like I want to get along with her, we have our good moments, but then one slightly bad event completely undoes everything positive that’s happened up to that moment in an instant.
I’m not even going to go into the mindf**k of listening to my Mom (like some mothers like to do) layer line upon line of hypocrisy, bringing up events that happened decades ago (because no one changes over time), bringing up a bunch of different things that kinda relate to the event/doesn’t relate/???/etc., & basically stating so many questionable things in a row without that you don’t know where to begin, where to end, if you should try to communicate, if you shouldn’t, if it’s a lost cause, should I move out now (& look into possibly taking on another car note, & that’s a whole ‘nother story), & whole series off questions that leave you more super confused than ‘understanding’ where she’s coming from/martyrdom/”O, how I suffer so”/etc.